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Taco Bell Beefer

from The Reeducation of a Turd Peddler
by John Henry Peabody

“Today it would be difficult to imagine Taco Bell, or any of California’s mission-style shopping malls, as the thatched roof, hole-in-the-ground establishments that Junipero Serra’s original missions were. Not until the introduction of the fireproof, red tile roofs introduced by Padre Fermín Francisco de Lasuén—Serra’s replacement—did the “look” of the California missions begin to take form. Father Junipero Serra may have founded the California mission system, but Fray Lasuén’s engineered the Bell Beefer.”

—From Whole Stole Junipero Serra’s
Heart in a Jar?

by John Graham

I WAS SITTING IN a Taco Bell, off 101, watching Sean and Darby haggle with the young lady behind the register.
  “No more Bell Beefers?” Sean was incredulous. “That thing built Taco Bell, mam. The Bell Beefer is the Bell’s answer to the Quarter Pounder.”
  “And I’m concerned that there are no more Enchiritos,” Darby offered. “When did you stop serving Enchiritos?”
  “I’m not sure, sir,” the young woman said. “I’ve never heard of one.”
  “Maybe you’re confusing the item with a girl you dated,” Sean told Darb.   “Didn’t you date a girl named Enchirito? Wasn’t that her family’s name?”
  “I dated a girl from Encinitas, Pelican boy. The Enchirito is different.”
  “What is the Enchirito then?” Sean asked him. “How does it compare—you know, the way that the Bell Beefer is to the Quarter Pounder—what’s the equivalent to the Enchirito?”
  Sean thought about it. “The Enchirito, Heaney, has no comparison. Why are you trying to stump me? Maybe, and just maybe, the Enchirito could be thought of as a cross between the Hot N’ Spicey and a wrap, if McDonald’s did wraps.”
  “You got anything like that?” Sean asked her.
  She looked at the two of them. “You mean a taco?”


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